...the syntax of things...

Tue, 16 Sep 2008 16:02:23 GMT

Every poem I write is, in some way, a love poem.

Sun, 11 May 2008 01:44:10 GMT

My Religion paper is about God as Artist. The final story for my Creative Writing portfolio is about a woman who is deeply moved by beauty but can't express it. My English paper may end up being about aesthetics versus morality. I don't know if each idea is inspired by the others, or if this theme is indicative of some recent subconscious contemplation.

Fri, 02 May 2008 23:16:46 GMT

I'm making a list of things to do this summer. I won't do everything on the list, but I'll make an effort to pick one thing daily, do it, and create a journal entry about it if I think it was worthwhile. I'm shooting for an initial list of 100+ activities, both silly and serious, and I'm looking for suggestions from YOU, MY FRIENDS. What are some things that you think I won't think of? What would you be interested in reading about?

Mon, 28 Apr 2008 18:12:29 GMT

The end of my semester looks like this:

1. Statistics Exam (due May 2)
2. OCircus! and related rehearsals (now-May 4)
3. Statistics Project (due May 9)
4. Creative Writing Portfolio (due May 10)
5. CRWR 310 Application (due May 12)
6. Statistics Final Exam (May 14)
7. 10-page English Paper (due May 15)
8. Religion Final Exam (May 16)
9. 10-page Religion Paper (due May 16)

Tue, 15 Apr 2008 16:24:13 GMT

Whenever I have a lot of work, my brain is like, "I CAN'T. Oh wait, I think I can! NO I CAN'T. Yes I can! NO. Yes!" etc.

I'm not sad anymore. If I don't think about the future, I feel okay. Right now, I love somebody and some-other-bodies, and I'm about to skip Contemporary Religious Thought to sit in the Java Zone and write stories about love and madness.

If I'm in Oberlin next semester, I want to take Itineraries of Postmodernism, Organismal Biology, Poetry Workshop, and a private reading in something amazing like Ethnobotany.

Fri, 25 Jan 2008 04:13:14 GMT

I have a question for everyone. If you were me, would you rather take A) Modern British & Irish Fiction, or B) Contemporary Religious Thought in the West? And why?

Sat, 05 Jan 2008 13:12:45 GMT

The sun emerges over the treetops to the east between 8:06 and 8:08 am. It's been a while since I've been awake to see this. Cold toes, hot tea. I feel better than I did yesterday.

Mon, 12 Nov 2007 15:25:01 GMT

I need to be writing again.

Thu, 30 Aug 2007 04:52:55 GMT

Ashley's bag is finished! A little sloppy where some of the seams come together, but functional and colorful. (I want to post a picture of it, but I can't get the photos off the camera because I am inept and/or cursed.) Eventually, I'll get around to making another bag for me, as my old one is threatening to fall apart. I have so many ideas for projects! And no sewing machine at school. If I could find one for less than $75 or so, I'd snatch it up.

I've written seven lines of poetry today. Two of them are good. I'm pleased with myself: this is more creative writing than I've done all summer. I'm going to stare at it for a while longer, although I know I'm getting tired because I keep looking at words like "these" and "touch" and wondering if they're spelled correctly or exist at all.

Wed, 22 Aug 2007 19:20:02 GMT

I am in craziness place now. I keep connecting to the Internet because it makes me numb and stupid and thus able to function. (What does that say about the status quo of human emotion?) Even listening to music makes me want to chew my cuticles, and attempting to make art has me on the verge of gnawing off my own hands. I sketch a bit; I take refuge in facebook. I play Vienna Teng's "Harbor" a couple of times; I skulk back to livejournal. I blame autumn for my instability—if there's a time of year more reminiscent of brinks, I haven't met it. And ART. And what I learned about myself from Mr. Walpole, which is (go look at your eyes they're full of moon).

I am discontent down at the bone. I want someone to dizzy me. I need new.

Mon, 16 Jul 2007 13:10:18 GMT

Life is amazing. Burlington is amazing. My friends are amazing. I want summer to last so much longer.

Today I'm going to get a start on cleaning the house, yay! Turns out my cousins are coming to visit on the 25th after all. Two adults, one teenager (whom I adore), and two children under the age of six. I might have to live in a tent for ten days, but whatever.

Fri, 29 Jun 2007 19:14:07 GMT

Things in list form, because it's too pretty outside to dally:

1. Wednesday, took the day off work—it was 100º and the usual 224% humidity—and drove up to Kittery Pt., Maine with Miles to visit Jennings and go sailing. My first time on the ocean in anything powered by wind, a lovely 20-foot boat called Whimbrel. Good company (I like Jennings a great deal, despite having spent only a few days with him in the Whites last summer) and a beautiful day to be on the water. We stayed for dinner and after-dinner card games and talk, so I wasn't home until 1:00 am, at which point I collapsed into sleep with marvelous rapidity.

2. Work today and tomorrow. Picked 20 quarts of strawberries and 24 bundles of garlic scapes and spent the rest of my time—about three and a half hours—weeding the giant mesclun patch of DOOM. Only got about a third of the way through it, so I expect tomorrow will be more of the same. My right index finger has some serious weed-burn already.

3. Peterborough contra tomorrow! Hopefully Emily will come down from Plymouth to join us.

4. Watched Fay Grim last night. Funny, bizarre, generally excellent. I really like Hal Hartley's films.

5. Petsitting (morning and evening duties) at the neighbors until the 4th, and starting housesitting (morning and evening duties) at the Amaral's on the 2nd. Creative scheduling might be necessary. Maybe I'll get up really early (only like 6:30, but still) and swing by this side of Bradford to let the cats out before work? Or I could just ask my dad to let the cats out for two days. He'd probably survive the burden.

6. I'm thinking about driving over to the lake in a bit. I've only been swimming once so far this year, and that was several weeks ago. Plus, a swim would wash the dirt (and smell of garlic scapes) from work off my legs and arms, thus making a shower tonight optional. Cleanliness is not a big priority for me during the summer months; I sort of only shower when I know I'll be seeing people other than my dad or when I can see a large quantity of dirt on my body. Umyeah.

Tue, 24 Apr 2007 21:16:27 GMT

Update! I've been consented into Agro-Ecology (ENVS 292), which is great. I guess this means that I'm not taking Creative Writing next semester? I need one of those time things that Hermione has in Harry Potter, except I would use it to do other things, like cuddle for hours and read novels and sleep.

Sat, 21 Apr 2007 21:40:18 GMT

I'm registered for classes! Right now I've got Spanish, Drawing, and Geology, and I hope to add either Agro-Ecology or a Creative Writing workshop. I will probably fail to not take 16 credits again, despite really wanting to give myself a bit of a break next semester. I am ridiculoussss.

But happy! It's gorgeous outside, I'll be contra dancing for four hours tonight, the seedlings on my windowsill are flourishing, I got into an ART CLASS, and mmmyay.

Sun, 11 Mar 2007 20:17:51 GMT

I saw a woman on Main St. walking and reading a book at the same time. I couldn't see what book it was, but she was smiling into its pages. When she saw me out of the corner of her eye, she tripped on a crack in the sidewalk and recovered her balance without even glancing up. The people I passed next probably wondered why I was grinning to myself. I am in love with Spring.

Wed, 21 Feb 2007 21:53:44 GMT

Just so everyone knows... My computer is in a coma at the present time, so I won't be online much or at all for at least a few days. Dumdeedah, back to the Bronze Age for me!

Wed, 14 Feb 2007 23:29:14 GMT

SNOW! Winter at college is so much less depressing than winter at home, although I might change my mind about that by the end of the month. Alyssa and I went for a walk in the arb, because we are wicked tough like that, and I had one of those duh moments, thinking about how important fresh air and sunlight and trees are. I have a lot of duh moments—they're necessary reminders of the wonderfulness of life and the world. I'll have to take a look at my schedule and find time to wander alone and pretend I'm Thoreau. Also, I want to write more. I'm going to have to write more now that I'm taking CW 201. Also, I want to read more. Also, why are there not more hours in a day? Lalala I love everything. Happy silly hearts day. The end.

Sun, 21 Jan 2007 06:55:12 GMT

I hate it when I'm feeling so much confused wonderfulness and no one's around to whom I can express it all. I end up posting silly inadequacies on people's facebook walls and it's just...silly and inadequate. I am frustrated by distance of every variety. And I'm more than ready to be done with this Arizona experiment; an individual Winter Term project away from everyone I know was a bad idea. Take me home, country roads...

Sat, 09 Dec 2006 22:45:58 GMT

It gets dark really fast here. I was taking pictures of the sunset over Dascomb, and by the time I turned around and walked across Wilder Bowl the orange light on Finney was too dim to capture with anything but that place between my throat and the nape of my neck that registers awe.

(I remember that strange visit of Ben's last winter when I took him to the big hemlocks and he said that knowing it was my favorite place made him not want to take photographs because some things can't be captured on film. I have been thinking about him a lot these past few days, coming up empty-handed, as always, but with a certain amount of contentment that has previously been missing.)

Today I got a joint letter from Sophie, Sasha and Helen, along with a copy of one of my favorite pictures of Sasha, Soph and myself, dressed up to go to the MFA in Boston. That picture is just a snapshot of the three of us smiling into the camera, but in my mind it stands for color/art/friendship/summer, so much of what I value.

I also talked to Miles on the phone and we laughed about writing essays and how no one will ever fall in love with us. I love that kid when I haven't seen him in too long. In his own Milesy way I think he really understands me. Or maybe he's right and we really have known each other for far too long.

My presentation on Australian aboriginal religion is about a tenth written-out and I'll most likely be up all night fighting with it. I'm so ready to be finished with all of this. I tell myself that next semester will be better, which it probably won't be, but hope springs eternal. And spring springs eternal. Mmm, I want to spend my life— Ah, it's too much to say, but I am ohsohappy for many things.

Mon, 04 Dec 2006 20:02:30 GMT

Notes on the moment: I'm in the library, about to start working. I drank coffee during my last class and my hands are a little shaky and I'm vivid and mad to live. I've decided that I want to be a visionary/farmer/writer/teacher all at the same time and I'm justifying my education as a means of understanding the world so I can decide what's important enough to pass on to my mad-to-live disciples. I'm barefoot and wearing long underwear. I'm re-remembering who I am, something I think everyone needs to do now and again, or maybe it's the caffeine and re-awaking would be a better term. My camera is in my backpack instead of in my bottom drawer. The snow on the ground this morning was what made everything so much more okay than it was yesterday. Sometimes I wish I could explain myself, and sometimes I'm glad to be complex enough that I confuse even me. Self-discovery is one thing I'm willing to work hard at, always. I got a package today from my mother and Ashley got the letter I sent her and okay, I'm going to write my papers in terms of VISION because that's what matters most at this moment and also even perhaps I hope in this era.

Fri, 17 Nov 2006 01:24:29 GMT

I feel less lonely when I've been alone for a while. It's a shame that I'm an improved, saner person when I'm by myself. No one ever gets to see me at my best. I think a lot of this week's unhappiness is uprootedness—a passive version of homesickness. I miss regularity and knowing where I stand.

Also, STRESS. I'm not getting any work done on my HUGE RESEARCH PROJECT and it's getting to the point where I'm wondering if I'll do it at all. My argument when my mother nagged me about procrastinating in high school was always, "Mom, you know I've never not gotten anything done before," and now it's like... oh. And the part of me that isn't panicking doesn't care at all.

Basically, I'm a complete wreck, but it's all going to be okay for a while once this semester is over. I hope I hope.

Even if I don't keep a 3.5 GPA (or is it 3.2?) and lose my scholarships and have to drop out of college, at least I'll be free from this ridiculous academia. I could never ever forgive myself for that, but I think I would be happier than I have been in a long time. It makes me kind of sick that guilt is my greatest motivator. I used to think I liked to learn things, and I think I still do in different contexts.

I'm so confused about life and everything.
I can't even write coherently anymore.
Or think in a straight line.
Or sleep.

I went to bed around 2:00 last night, took a melatonin supplement and tried to lull my mind into silence, but I still had to get up at 4:00 and read a couple of chapters of Invisible Man (which I finished today while avoiding my English paper) before I could curl up in bed and eventually fall asleep. It was actually kind of funny: I tried the meditation technique where you count to ten and start back at one every time you lose focus and I never even got past one. My brain was like, "One... Wow, I'm thinking. I lost the game. Aah, why can't I sleep I'm so—Oh, right! One... I should write my English paper tomorrow so I can go to bed early. Shit. Oops. One..." and so on.

Maybe I should give up on daylight and become nocturnal. The night seems longer and less worrisome anyway.

Fri, 10 Nov 2006 19:56:44 GMT

It's FRIDAY. I am so happy. Happyhappyhappy. Life isn't 100% amazing, but I'm getting through it, getting all my work done, getting excited about the future (Winter term! Next semester! Summer! Oh, the adventures to be had...)

I just left a message on the answering machine of Melanie Florez, a park ranger at the Sonoran Desert National Park, expressing my interest in volunteering between January 3rd and January 29th. Over the past couple of days, my ho-hum attitude about my winter term project has turned into this wild writhing need to go to the desert RIGHT NOW. I am so fickle.

I'm reading Invisible Man in African American Humor and Irony. Ellison's prose is fluid and beautifully hyperbolic and is reminding me what it means to be a writer. And yesterday I went to a lecture on Adolph Gottlieb, followed by an Approaches to Western Art class spent talking about his exhibit in the museum, and I am reminded of what it means to be an artist. And we're reading Of God and Pelicans in Religion and the Environment and I am alloveragain confused about what God is, while at the same time affirming that my personal religion, scattered though it may be, is a good religion for me to have at this point in my life.

In about an hour, I'm going running with Katie, then perhaps a nap and dinner, then a costume party at Harkness? Not sure. I can only think two hours ahead or two months ahead. Everything in the middle is lost in the blur of my ohsosleepy brain.

Wed, 08 Nov 2006 17:13:47 GMT

I am completely exhausted. The last couple of days have gone sleep, class, sleep, class, stay awake almost all night, sleep, class, sleep. My body is starting to say NO MORE, but I still have work to do and aaah. I'm thinking about skipping English at 1:30, but then all the reading I did last night would be for nothing, so I know I'll end up going. And I still have to figure out this thesis issue, and I need to do it SOON, but I'm going to sleep, class, sleep, work, stay up all night instead. Lalala, such is my life. This weekend had better be fucking amazing.

Mon, 06 Nov 2006 08:36:52 GMT

Look at how exciting my week is going to be:

- ENVS readings, old
- ENVS readings, new
- ENVS response paper
- ENVS questions
- ENVS 4-5 page paper

- FYSP readings, Of God and Pelicans 11-49, 51-84 and The Body of God 174-178
- FYSP paper: research and paragraphs for Prof. Kamitsuka!!!

- ART readings, new: Chap. 16
- ART portrait project

- ENGL reading, finish Moses, Man of the Mountain
- ENGL readings: Johns, Boskin, Wonham
- ENGL reading: Invisible Man Chap. 1-12

- Winter term phone calls & planning
- Shamanism journal for this week

Yeah. I shouldn't be doing work because it's 3:30 in the morning, but I can't sleep because I drank coffeeeeee and my body doesn't like caffeine. My goal is to become a slave to coursework Monday through Thurday and then take Friday and Saturday 100% off. Mm-hmm, right.

Also, I miss spending time with people who know me down to my most coreful core.

Wed, 25 Oct 2006 20:36:53 GMT

Why did I not write this paper over fall break? I would really like a decent grade in this class, but I'm not even sure I'm interpreting the assignment correctly. What does Wisner means by "ecological and human systems and subsystems?" Do I need to name these systems, or can I just babble about ecological principles? So confused. No brain. Have to go to work now. Papers make me depressed.